August 30, morning
Boss has a job for me - vetting the new VP candidate. Guess that fucking mouthbreather Joe is out of the picture, thank God.
Anyway, have to fly to Alaska (?!) and check up on this "Sarah Palin". Sounds fine to me - means I won't be here to answer phones when Lieberman starts calling every 15 minutes, drunk and crying. Jesus, I can't stand that guy.
August 30, noon
Landed in Wasilla, Palin's hometown. Christ, what a dump. Small town though - drooling goobers in the base will eat that shit up.
Would have landed at Ketchikan International Airport, but found out would have to take a ferry to the mainland. WTF? Why don't they build a goddamn bridge or something?
August 30, afternoon
Went to "City Hall" (Converted bingo parlor? Looks and smells like it.) and talked to employees there. All said Sarah is great, can't say enough good things about her, etc.
One of them pulled me aside and said I should go talk to the town librarian too. Tried not to laugh in their face.
Kind of weird though, they all seemed really nervous. Lots of long pauses, eyes darting to the side, stammering. Guess they aren't used to visitors from civilization. Anyway, they all seem to love her. No dirt here!
August 30, evening
On plane now, bound for Juneau. Was going to go around and talk to other people in Wasilla, but really no need. If there was anything to worry about, would have found it at City Hall.
Also, scary-looking people with no teeth kept coming up and asking if I had any antihistamines or cash on me. Decided did not want to spend night there, afraid I would be sharing a room with Ned Beatty and banjo-playing kid.
Got bored and looked at map of Alaska. Holy shit, did not know they were so close to Russia! Governors here must have a tough job, holding back the Red Menace. I wonder if they shoot commies who try to sneak across the border?
August 31, morning
At the Governor's Mansion now. Lots of dead animal heads on the walls, kind of creeps me out. Waiting to meet with Sarah.
August 31, morning
Still waiting.
August 31, mid-morning
Someone finally came and got me, apologized but said Sarah was still busy in the tannery. They took me back there - Jesus Christ, what a stink. Like Mitt Romney's cologne left out in the sun for two months and then dunked in a vat of skunk piss.
Tried desperately not to throw up. Not entirely successful. Sarah said not to worry about it, she has plenty of other moose hides. She seems nice.
Have to remember to tell her to leave the leather apron and knife at home, though. Ha ha.
She made a big point of telling me that all of the dead animals lying around were taken "in season." I don't even really know what that means but I smiled and nodded - don't want her to think I'm stupid.
August 31, late morning
Fresh air! Sarah showed me around the hockey rink behind the mansion. Met one of her daughters too. She was talking to some meathead kid in a hockey jersey. They seem to like each other - very cute! Sarah hustled me off before I could talk to them, though.
Met her husband next. Not sure what to think of him. Was wearing one of those giant foam #1 fingers with "AIP" printed on it. Not sure what that means, but he kept poking me in the chest with it. Sort of irritating.
August 31, noon
Lunch in the mansion - mooseburgers. Tasted like shit but I tried not to show it.
August 31, afternoon
Met Sarah's other kids - Bronco, Abacus, Helvetica, Flechette, Fig Newton and Trank. Tried to be diplomatic, told Sarah maybe we could come up with more mainstream "nicknames" for them when they meet the press. She said she'd think about it.
August 31, evening
Spent the rest of the afternoon with Sarah in her office. Asked her to try to think of anything that might be a problem in the election. She scrunched up her nose (so adorable when she does that!) and said she didn't know of anything. Mentioned something about her ex-brother-in-law, but I wasn't really paying attention - too busy wondering what it'd be like to be that sweater she's wearing. So tight . . .
At one point somebody named Ted called. Couldn't hear what he was saying, but she told him to "quit fucking calling here" and said he could take his "crybaby bullshit" and shove it up his "series of tubes." Finally said she didn't give a polar bear's worthless chapped ass what he thought and hung up. Not sure what that was all about, but man, is she spunky or what?!
After that, we really got down to the nitty-gritty. Asked Sarah if she had ever been a POW. No luck there, but I found out that as Governor, she heads the National Guard. Jackpot!
Question: has friggin' Obama ever led a military force in hostile terrain, surrounded on both sides by braying Communist and Canadian hordes? Answer: no, he was too busy organizing communities. What a pussy.
Also, Sarah used to be on the PTA. I'd like to see that tool Joe Biden come up with that kind of executive experience. Ha!
August 31, midnight
Called the boss and told him Sarah checked out 100%. He was happy at first, then asked if I had taken any pictures. I said no and he got kind of pissed. Then Cindy came in the room and he said he had to go.
Anyway, on a plane back to the States now. Kind of bummed out - really going to miss Sarah. Can't wait to see her again in Minnesota. In a way, it's too bad - with all of her qualifications, she really ought to be at the top of the ticket. Oh well, there's always 2012 . . .